Hello. You are a target.
Hello You Are a Target, My husband is abusive but does it in a manner that is somewhat different than what I have read on the forums, etc. However, I have not read everything, so this may be common and I just do not know it. My hustand sets me up. I know that statement sounds like I am not taking responsibility. I believe I am taking the wrong kind of responsibility.
I am a psychologist myself (phd in clinical). I am trained to be a therapist but am not a therapist (I do research), so what I am about to write is somewhat informed, but I am behaving as though I know nothing. I am writing this today in case someone else out there has a spouse that does these things.
BACKGROUND ON SPOUSE: As most abusers, he was abused himself. He had a schizophrenic mother and a father who was a sociopath. They wielded continual abuse on him--many beatings, humiliation, degredation, you name it. He said he recognized the abuse and wanted to get therapy, so he has been in therapy for a total of about 7 or 8 years. He has had 5 therapists, all of whom essentially say the same thing. The latest therapist appears to be the best, but I am sure he is not going in and telling her about how he abuses me.
PATTERNS: His cycle is about 14 days (14 days between enormous fights). He follows the pattern of extreme anger, lying, provocation, etc., then calms down and is remorseful and assures me it will not happen agan. Then, about 2 weeks later it does happen again, and so it goes. This has gone on since 1994.
WHAT HE DOES is this: when I ask him 'why?" he says he does not know. If I press him he gets angry again and tells me that it's over and I'm just trying to start something.
So, I (stupidly) thought that maybe he had a dissociative disorder or some type of trauma disorder. So, 5 therapists have never diagnosed him with a dissociative disorder, but has been diagnosed with a trauma disorder. So I thought he blocked. However, after all of these years and $$$$ in therapy, he is still saying the same things. Therefore, one of three situations exist:
a) he's lying to me
b) he's not really going to a therapist
c) he is manipulating the therapist
I think it is a and c.
In the past years, I started showing my anger and hurt. I showed him how much it hurt me, and it did not stop (or even slow down). I matched his anger, and that did not work. I started throwing things (inexpensive things), that doesn't work. I try talking to him about the 2 week cycle and ways to break it (doesn't work). I have tried a version of everything I read on this site and others. Now, I have stayed in a marriage way past the time that I should have left. So, I know I need to walk away from this and just count my losses.
For anyone reading this, I urge all of the targets to use the workshop this site offers and rehearse it often. This is the best one I've seen, since I believe their point of view is really important.
I prefer that my name be withheld, of course. Thank You